***Reshuffle exclusive*** : Kinnear appointed Labour's new Director of Communications

The Labour Party have confirmed that Newcastle United Football Club manager Joe Kinnear will be joining the party as Director of Communications, as part of talks which are expected to see owner Mike Ashley sell the club to the Labour Party in exchange for a place on the new National Economic Council. The deal will be jointly funded by Unite the union and J. K. Rowling.

Mr Kinnear has just held his first press conference, an edited transcript of which appears below, and also on the Guardian website here:

JK Which one is Nick Robinson?

NR Me.

JK You're a cunt.

NR Thank you.

Trevor Kavanagh Joe, no one could believe that on your first day at your new party, the Cabinet were not in. No one could believe it in town. Your first day in the office.

JK My first day was with the party staff. I made the decision that I wanted to get as much information out of them.

TK But why Friday, no one could believe it?

JK I'm not going to tell you anything. I don't understand where you are coming from. You are delighted that Labour are getting beat and are in the state they are? Delighted, are you?

Kevin Maguire We are all grown men and can come in here and sit around and talk about politics, but coming in here and calling people cunts?

JK Why? Because I am annoyed. I am not accepting that. If it is libellous, it is going to where I want it to go.

Labour Party press officer What has been said in here is off the record and doesn't go outside.

Journalist Well, is that what Joe thinks?

JK Write what you like. Makes no difference to me. Don't affect me I assure you. It'll be the last time I see you anyway. Won't affect me. Derek Draper can do it, someone else can do it. Don't trust any of yous. I will pick two local papers and speak to them and the rest can fuck off. I ain't coming up here to have the piss taken out of me. I have a million pages of crap that has been written about me. I'm ridiculed for no reason. I'm defenceless. I can't get a point in, I can't say nothing, I can't do nothing, but I ain't going to be negative. Then, half of you, most of you are trying to get into the ministers. I'm not going to tell you what the ministers think of you, so then you try and get into them in some way or another, so I've got a split camp or something like that, something like that. It's ongoing. It just doesn't stop.

Journalist It's only been a day.

JK Exactly. It feels more like a year.

Journalist It's early days for you to be like this.

JK No, I'm clearing the air. And this is the last time I'm going to speak to you. You want to know why, I'm telling you. This is the last time. You can do what you like.

Journalist But this isn't going to do you or us any good.

JK I'll speak to the members. I'm going to tell them what the story is. I'm going to tell them. I don't think they'll interpret it any different, I don't think they'll mix it up, I don't think they'll miss out things.

Journalist Today we'll print the absolute truth, that you think we're cunts, we can all fuck off and we're slimy. Is that fair enough?

JK Do it. Fine. Fucking print it. Am I going to worry about it? Put in also that it'll be the last time I see you. Put that in as well. Good. Do it.

Press officer Let's get on to politics. Let's have an agreement that everything said so far, if anyone has got their tapes on, it's wiped off and we're not discussing it.

Journalist But that's what Joe has said he thinks of us.

Press officer I'm saying don't push it. Let's accept what's been said and try and move on.

Journalist: Move on to not doing any more press conferences?

PO: No, to doing something now.

Journalist: What, one press conference only?

(Silence)

Journalist: Any knocks?

PO: Come on, let's go politics.

Journalist: How is Peter Mandelson settling in?

JK It's going very well. No problems at all.

Journalist Enjoyed getting back in the swing of things?

JK Absolutely. He's loved every moment of it.