Good Old Boy #82

Steve Bell's most recent If... series has been very heartfelt and entertaining. It is in the form of a poem in seven parts:

'Twas the night before Christmas,
and all round the house,
not a creature was stirring,
except the Minister for Work and Pensions

"The rodent he sat by the chimney with care
In the hope that St Nicholas soon would be there,
He was planning to seize the old elf by the ear,
For the scheming old sod worked but one day a year

"And then all at once came a loud farting sound
Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound,
He showed not a blush, that shameless old ruin
Said, "I happened to pass, saw your roof needed doin'"

"Your roof's in good hands, you can leave it to me, For three hundred quid and a nice cup of tea,
Come lounger come scrounger, come lurker come shirker, come lesbian Lil and her old turkey baster,
To the top of the roof, to the top of the wall, now claim away, claim away, claim away all!

"Away from the rooftops the claimants they flew,
with a sleighful of giros, St Nicholas too,
who'd sit at the pole in his fur-trimmed red rayment,
quite snug all year long claiming cold weather payment

"The rat was enraged and leapt up at the sleigh,
"I'll have you in jail by this Christmas Day
You breed and you sponge like a festering canker,
Taking bread from the mouths of each poor needy banker!

"Wealth creators need perks, scrounging scum need a beating,
so get out to work, if it won't pay stop eating!"
But Santa said, "Bollocks to that, ratty snooper! I think you should means test this kick up the pooper!
And he called to the rat as he flew out of sight, "universal benefits to all, and New Labour good night"