Republican Jesus and the Conservative Bible Project

One of the following was written by Christian conservatives, the other by godless libruls. See if you can guess which is which:

1. Republican Jesus:

Republican Jesus is the central figure in the Republican religion. Republican Jesus shares many superficial qualities with the biblical Jesus, and in fact a minority of historians believe the two are actually the same figure. However, a growing body of evidence suggests that Republican Jesus was actually created in 1964 aboard a Goldwater campaign bus, and was recognized as the one true Republican messiah in 1980, in which role he continues to this day.

Some of the more significant differences between the two Jesuses' philosophies:

• The biblical Jesus preached at length about renouncing worldly possessions and giving to the poor. Republican Jesus believes that such handouts merely encourage the poor to be lazy, and that Christian charity is better practiced through massive tax breaks for the wealthiest citizens, who could then be expected to let the money "tinkle down" to the poor in the form of honest, if low-paying, jobs at upright Republican institutions like Wal-Mart.
• Whereas the biblical Jesus is not known to have ever addressed the subject of homosexuality at all, let alone gay marriage, homosexuality is just about all Republican Jesus ever talks about.
• The biblical Jesus threw the money changers out of the Temple. Republican Jesus welcomed them in, even going so far as to open the first known church inside a Wal-Mart.
• One story of the bible tells of an incident where a woman who had been caught in the act of adultery was about to be stoned to death by a crowd. According to the book of John, the biblical Jesus forgives the women and says to the crowd: "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone!" In the Gospel of Tom, Republican Jesus says this too, but then picks up the largest stone he can find with the most jagged edges, and throws it in the face of the skanky slut that cheated on her master at point blank range. It is written that Republican Jesus then turned to the crowd and said: "Thou may now proceed to stone this vile promiscuous whore!"

2. The Conservative Bible Project:

As of 2009, there is no fully conservative translation of the Bible which satisfies the following ten guidelines:

1. Framework against Liberal Bias: providing a strong framework that enables a thought-for-thought translation without corruption by liberal bias
2. Not Emasculated: avoiding unisex, "gender inclusive" language, and other modern emasculation of Christianity
3. Not Dumbed Down: not dumbing down the reading level, or diluting the intellectual force and logic of Christianity; the NIV is written at only the 7th grade level
4. Utilize Powerful Conservative Terms: using powerful new conservative terms as they develop; defective translations use the word "comrade" three times as often as "volunteer"; similarly, updating words which have a change in meaning, such as "word", "peace", and "miracle".
5. Combat Harmful Addiction: combating addiction by using modern terms for it, such as "gamble" rather than "cast lots"; using modern political terms, such as "register" rather than "enroll" for the census
6. Accept the Logic of Hell: applying logic with its full force and effect, as in not denying or downplaying the very real existence of Hell or the Devil.
7. Express Free Market Parables; explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning
8. Exclude Later-Inserted Liberal Passages: excluding the later-inserted liberal passages that are not authentic, such as the adulteress story
9. Credit Open-Mindedness of Disciples: crediting open-mindedness, often found in youngsters like the eyewitnesses Mark and John, the authors of two of the Gospels
10. Prefer Conciseness over Liberal Wordiness: preferring conciseness to the liberal style of high word-to-substance ratio; avoid compound negatives and unnecessary ambiguities; prefer concise, consistent use of the word "Lord" rather than "Jehovah" or "Yahweh" or "Lord God."