Tory stories: the tale of Robin Hood

This is the first in an occasional series, in which traditional English tales are retold by Tories. Today, the tale of Robin Hood:

"Back in the Middle Ages, there were a heroic group of sturdy Englishmen called the Barons. The Barons were responsible for making sure that the lazy peasants were kept in order and did their work. This was tremendously hard work as even though there was no welfare state to create a dependency culture amongst the poor, the Barons always needed to make sure that the common folk grew enough crops and produced enough wealth to allow the Royal Family to hold banquets, go on crusades and perform other such duties.

There was no inheritance tax in these golden days, so over time the Barons managed to pass on their hard earned wealth to their children. By the days of Good King John, a successful Baron earned more than one hundred times the average wage of a working man.

But in these days, an evil socialist called Robin Hood and his band of LGBT Diversity Outreach Workers caused no end of strife. For a time, Robin Hood became a hero of the common and sadly deluded people, because he stole from the Barons and gave their money to the poor. Robin Hood said that it was more important that every child be able to go to school, and every family able to eat one meal every day rather than starve, even if it meant the Barons could not hold a feast for their friends every night.

But in fact, Robin Hood was an enemy of the poor. By taking money away from the Barons, he forced them to introduce new charges on the peasantry. So it was not the Barons who paid for Robin Hood's socialist thievery, but the ordinary men and women of England. For it was the duty of the Barons to maximise their profits, and contrary to all natural laws that any man should impede them in this.

Like all socialists, Robin Hood may have had good intentions, but an attack on the richest amongst us is an attack on us all. We should remember this tale now, and resist calls to do unto the bankers what Robin Hood did to the Barons."